Where were you when you learned of legendary pop artist Michael Jackson’s death? I was informed by one of my students at Northeastern University, as we neared the end of our final class together. Over the past 48 hours since, I have given considerable thought to the significance of his life and death, and moreover the very narrow view in which the media examines and portrays the many components of his tragic story.Yes I admit, I grew up in the 80’s, where kids who break danced in our middle school were legendary. Parachute pants and bangle bracelets were “totally rad”. We were introduced to Mr. Pierce’s first computer lab, in which you could rub your feet on the shaggy blue rug and grab a hold of the metal doorknob and be jolted across the classroom at least ten feet. I am sure that would never fly these days, but we all thought it was a fun exercise. During this time frame, I was familiar and favorable towards Michael Jackson, but never a fainter or purchaser of albums. It is in this spirit that I offer some thoughts and lessons that may not be readily available on CNN…

If something can be observed, there is likely to be learning that can come from it. We constantly make assessments and judgments within nearly every corner of our lives. There are less instances when we can actually evaluate something implicitly, without heavy duty traces of cultural conceptualizations blaring at us from our TV’s, radios and plethora of technological devices. Neutrality and objectivity are scare, and few of us are immune to the dimensions of our culture that tries to dictate how we should look, think, feel, act and be.

All this to say is that it is not easy to avoid the interferences of certain phenomena existing that bring us away from healthy introspection and the true lessons existing in both good and bad life circumstances.

Perhaps it is a bit lofty to even attempt to dissect the recent attention upon Michael Jackson. He has certainly left a legacy, and has been labeled both genius and freak, appearing with deep dimensions of giftedness, power, perfectionism, pathology, crisis, conflict and loneliness in his life. The media has spent considerable time throughout his career and in particular in his death trying to capture his essence, but in doing so I have not yet witnessed anyone stopping to underscore the destructive role of pressure, fame and wealth that impacted the King of Pop so dramatically.

So, what exactly can we glean from our modern day version of Elvis? Perhaps one is that some are born with profound gifts that carry with them potential danger. Can you imagine Jackson’s parents when they initially realized the natural talents of their son? It was likely very instinctual for them to want to harness and cultivate what they recognized as great potential. Unfortunately, perhaps there was more of an emphasis on capitalizing on his talents, and life became so performance-focused that perspective was lost. It is not uncommon for parents to get carried away in any arena-whether massive musical, academic or athletic talents grace their children. Seeing MJ’s growth trajectory should cause us all to shudder and reevaluate our values. If talent has the power to destroy, we need to be careful and very humble with the gifts we each hold-whether in ourselves or our children.

In a recent interview, Jackson proclaims that his song “Childhood” is the “most autobiographical song I have ever written.” I share it with you and ask for reflection upon your goals, values and priorities for our children-whether those in our care, or around us.

Childhood

Written and produced by Michael Jackson

Have you seen my childhood?
I’m searching for the world that I come from
’cause I’ve been looking around
In the lost and found of my heart…
No one understands me
They view it as such strange eccentricities…
’cause I keep kidding around
Like a child, but pardon me…

Have you seen my childhood…. 

So in whatever capacity you may have influence on children, or as you realize your own talents, let us remember that gifts can be sources of pain if they are not carefully protected and nurtured and used for the purpose intended.

The way we think affects virtually every area of our lives. The views you adopt profoundly influence the way you approach challenges, make meaning of yourself (and others) and navigate through the many challenges inherent in being human. We are all vulnerable to stress, and need to be deliberate about how we think and intentional about redirecting our thoughts when they become too rigid. This is the cornerstone of good therapy, and in essence, good living. Raising your self-awareness of where you fall along the continuum of the following mindsets can make a tremendous difference. 

According to Dr. Carol S. Dweck, author of “Mindset”, there are 2 types people adopt:

1. Fixed mindset:

• Believes your qualities are set in stone
• This creates a sense of urgency to prove yourself over and over
• Statements can include “I am a total failure, everyone is better than me…”
• Assumes you are born with certain abilities that are unlikely to change

2. Growth mindset

• Basic abilities can be cultivated through your efforts
• Interests, temperaments, aptitudes can change & grow through application and experience
• A person’s true potential can be developed over time
• Passion for stretching yourself and sticking to it, even (or especially when) it’s not going well, is the hallmark of the growth mindset
• Statements can include “I need to work harder, evaluate what went wrong & correct it…”
• If at first you don’t succeed, try and try again!

Many of our greatest have been deemed as failures early in their development, including:

• Albert Einstein failed his first college entrance exam at Zurich Polytechnic.
• William Faulkner didn’t have enough credits to graduate from high school.
• Henry Ford forgot to put a reverse gear in his first car.
• Lucille Ball of I love Lucy was dismissed from drama school for being too quiet and shy.
• A cartoon by Charles Shultz, creator of Peanuts, was turned down by his high school year book (who doesn’t love Peanuts-especially the 5 cent psychiatric help…)

One of the greatest ways to improve your outlook is to evaluate your mindset and become more flexible in how you perceive yourself and others.

*For further learning:

• Visit www.lastlecture.com  for inspiration from Dr. Randy Pausch, professor of Carnegie Mellon who inspired millions. Dr. Pausch lost his battle with pancreatic cancer on July 25, 2008 ( I love his point that you just have to “give people time”)
• Read Carol Dweck’s book “Mindset” (referenced above)
• Read Jonathan Mooney’s book “The Short Bus: A Journey Beyond Normal” (it will change you, trust me-you will not want to be “normal”)
• Read Dr. Abram Schmitt’s book “Brilliant Idiot” (it is amazing)
• Read Drs. Edward Hallowell & John Ratey’s book “Delivered from Distraction” (these ADD tips are really life tips)
• Read more of ”Kristen’s CLOG, a clinical blog, here at www.helpinghelpers.com  for coping skills and inspirational reading.
• Book a seminar for you and your staff for in-depth stress reduction and self-care strategies (click on services for more information)
• Identify which mindset you tend to lean towards, and continue working on reaching your fullest potential!

With Spring on the horizon, just hours away, it should be even easier to adopt a new mindset. For all of you New Englanders and cold weather climate folks out there, my hat is off to you (literally-I won’t be needing it anymore….hopefully…)you have made it through another winter! Celebrate!

Keep Reaching!

It astonishes me how many bright and capable people are petrified of speaking in front of a group. I recently read that only 5% of people are willing to take a public platform. Yikes! 95% of us are too chicken? There is something nerve wracking about speaking to an audience, and it often boils down to two issues: the fact that they never get the coaching or practice needed to be successful at it. Like many things, having a bad experience early on can forever cloud your perception of how well you think you would do in a situation.  Flash to your school days in front of the toughest group: your peers. Are you sweating yet? Here are some pointers to help sharpen your skills and hopefully dull your nerves:

• 1. It’s not about you: Generally, if you are speaking to an audience, you have something important to convey to them. Picture that your job is to teach them, to assist them in learning, and to be encouraged, motivated, challenged or moved by what you say. Picture that they are genuinely in need of your message and interested in what you have to say.
• 2. It can’t be too slow: It can be very hard to pace a speech, and especially when you are nervous. I have rarely heard a speaker that goes too slow. Take your time to present your thoughts in a clear, direct and calculated manner. Sometimes it can help to repeat a line to emphasize a learning point and you can also collect yourself in those moments.
• 3. No “Tighty Whities”: The forever classic advice of “picture them in their underwear” may just add to the nerves, or if you have an irreverent sense of humor, give you the giggles. Your audience does not have a one up on you, and you do not need one on them-just be yourself and relax.
• 4. Let your light shine: Everyone has something unique and special to offer. Chances are, if you are in a position to be speaking, you have something valuable to share with others, and you will have your own style as you present information. Be yourself and draw upon your own sense of humor and creativity to make your message come alive.
• 5. Nerves are good: Think of your anxiety and nerves as massive adrenaline. Even seasoned speakers get nervous to some extent. If you were not nervous, something would be wrong. Use the adrenaline as momentum for delivering a good talk. Coach yourself to redirect it as such.
• 6. Be Prepared: Borrow from the Scouts. It is important to map out what you will say and how you will say it. Rehearse and organize your thoughts in writing or other formats such as power point. However, don’t marry your script so much that if you deviate you unravel because you feel that you are “messing up”.
• 7. Less is more: Don’t try to pack in way too much to impress everyone. Try and make your points concisely, give real life stories and examples, infuse creativity and wrap it up. Most do not have a super long attention span, so you are better to choose your words carefully and avoid redundancy. Remember everyone has a different learning style, so try and use different modes of communication to capture everyone’s attention (for example, invoke the senses-visual, auditory, etc.)
• 8. Have confidence: Keep it in perspective. Even if you flop, it does not discredit your potential or suggest a moral failing on your part. It all contributes to the learning curve. Audiences will have empathy if you are struggling. Sometimes acknowledging it is appropriate and can break the ice. Don’t fret if it is not perfect.
• 9. Expose yourself: Finally, and possibly most important, keep trying. One speech will not fully hone and refine your skills. It takes tons of practice. Keep challenging yourself by leaving your “comfort zone” and getting out there even if it unnerves you. It will be an invaluable experience. Facing your fears will build character and your communication abilities.

So, step up, speak up and give it your best. All things considered, there is a lot to gain from the experience.

How many times do you think you’ve heard “Joe the Plumber” over the past couple of weeks? The whole phenomenon is another classic American example of how something so obscure can take off and become an overnight sensation! We are almost upon Election Day, and after all the plungers have been tossed aside, there’s a lot at stake. With the shifting sand of our economy under our feet, it is essential to take the opportunity to exercise your right to vote, the one that was paid by a great price.

My truest hope is that in all of the media clutter and fanfare, you have taken a chance to sit back and recognize how important each of our roles are in our community and at-large. We overemphasize the role of certain political offices and even professions, and often devalue everyday citizens who have so much to contribute. It is often those who get the least recognition and compensation who are the most valuable.

The key is taking the talents you have and using them to make the greatest impact possible. Martin Luther King Jr. put it: “If a man is called to be a streetsweeper, he should sweep streets even as Michelangelo painted, or Beethoven played music, or Shakespeare wrote poetry. He should sweep streets so well that all the hosts of heaven and earth will pause to say, here lived a great streetsweeper who did his job well…” So whether you are connecting wires, discovering cures, running a business or teaching students, do it like you mean it, as if others are counting on the quality of what you do-because, in fact they are.

As you prepare to cast your vote, remember to evaluate ways you can make a difference. Ask yourself:

• Am I performing my job to the best of my ability? If not, where can I go for some inspiration?
• What am I designed to do? Is that what I am doing?
• Who are the some of the people who have influenced me the most? Who am I influencing?
• What changes do I need to make to be sure I am contributing to my fullest potential?

Keep reaching and remember to vote on Tuesday, November 4th!

What exactly is a clog? It is my version of a clinical BLOG, that combines clinical insight with everyday happenings.

Enjoy reading past excerpts and check back to see regular updates in the near future as the web site undergoes some changes…stay tuned and keep reaching!

Upon first glance, the sight of a beauty queen falling flat down may not appear graceful. But here’s a different way to think about how Miss America handled her recent tumble…

Why is that people are drawn to the catastrophes of others? The recent episode of Miss America falling at the Miss Universe pageant hosted in Vietnam is a prime example. I am certain that countless replays of this have been watched on television and internet venues across the globe. Perhaps an element of surprise is part of the allure. The expectations and pressure on the competitors are immense. Truth be told, there are some people out there who genuinely enjoy seeing the struggles of others, and especially those who are symbols of beauty, wealth or stature. My observation is that human elements of jealousy are usually rooted in personal insecurity.

Did you know that last year’s Miss America also took a fall in the Miss Universe competition? If I were in the media, I would like to focus in on the aspect of what this year’s Miss America, as well at her predecessor accomplished despite their embarrassing tumbles: they recovered quickly and got back up with a smile. This demonstration in a not-so-graceful-moment is a reminder that it is possible to make it through difficulty and still keep going. Here are some other points to consider:

• Be happy for others when they succeed, and do not take pleasure in their folly
• We can recover from embarrassing and painful moments in our life
• Under pressure, mistakes can and will be made
• When life knocks you down, keep going, and try to do it with a good attitude

My hat is off to these women who demonstrated the spirit of America in their resolve to continue on, despite a terrible mishap. Ultimately, this is a much more beautiful display of grace than mere “alleged” perfection. There is something to learn from each situation we witness and are a part of. Beyond the shock value of this recent well-publicized event, take inventory and look at ways you can become more gracious even when you are knocked down by life’s inevitable calamities. That is a true marker of beauty.

The highly anticipated 2008 Olympic summer games are here. One of the hallmark traditions of the Olympics is the lighting of the torch, carried by hundreds of people across Greece, Bejing and all around the world through cities, oceans and even the top of Mt. Everest. The torch is a symbol used to spread a message of universal peace and friendship and to ignite excitement across the globe. This year’s theme is “light the passion, share the dream”. Runners work hard to carry out their responsibility to run with the torch and pass its’ flame onto the next torchbearer.

If you consider yourself a “helper”-whether a clinician, teacher, manager, parent, caregiver, nurse or physician-you are a torchbearer. Your job is to light a fire under others, to inspire them, and ignite hopes and dreams to those under your wing. The race requires power, determination, grace, passion and persistence.

Norman Vincent Peale captures this when he says “Those who are fired with an enthusiastic idea and who allow it to take hold and dominate their thoughts find that new worlds open for them.  As long as enthusiasm holds out, so will new opportunities”. Helpers must be able to keep their own flame going by nurturing their own dreams in order to spark hope and enthusiasm in others.

The light from the flame of a torchbearer is universally far-reaching. One person cannot cover the entire course. If each person fulfills their role, the impact is widely felt. Are you taking the time to share your dreams, expertise, compassion and vision with others? Have you plotted out your course and made adequate preparations so that you are not distracted? No matter what help you offer to others, remember that your goal is to bring out the best in others, in hopes they will do the same for others. Your devotion to this will be contagious and help combat apathy, injustice and ignorance. Keep your torch high for all to see! Others are waiting to be ignited through your touch!

Dedicated to Dr. Odete Amarelo, the ultimate torch bearer and helper and to those whose insights have ignited a flame within me…

As New Englanders, we have to learn to live in the extremes. From blustering snow squalls to sweltering heat, our local weather conditions may have something to do with our reputation for being unfriendly and harried. We all know how much the weather can influence our spirits, and more than ever, attention is given to the dark and cold winter months sending some into bouts of seasonal depression.  When the sunshine finally arrives, new life emerges, and excitement to get out and enjoy the outdoors spreads like wildfire.  For some, however, the heat can trigger irritability, mood swings and tension that can be harmful.As the summer unfolds, it may be helpful to prepare yourself to fight against some of the stressors some face in the summer, rather than fighting with others. Here are some suggestions to help you keep your cool:

Make a plan: Be sure your goals are realistic and they do not exceed your time or financial limitations.

Stay in Sync: Although summer is notorious for leisure, it is still a good idea to have routine built in. It may not be as structured as the rest of your year, but developing a good rhythm can help reduce potential stress. Allow yourself some flexibility, but do not abandon good habits altogether.

Set Limits: Carve some personal and family time out on your calendar before it gets taken up. Graduation parties, cookouts and other social activities can soon become overwhelming. You might have to mark some dates ahead of time that you will not make any formal plans for to allow for some much needed down time.

Decompress your stress: Pay attention to the things that stress you out and be proactive in managing them. If you realize you get steamy under the collar when it is hot out, plan ahead and find ways to control your surroundings, whether it is by drinking extra water, turning up the air conditioning, or getting to a cooler place, like the beach or a swimming pool. Taking your irritability out on others is a surefire way to add to the stress, rather than relieving it.

As with many aspects of maintaining balance and good emotional health, it is important to prepare yourself for what lies ahead.  The promise of summer is alluring, but keeping perspective on potential struggles will help you develop appropriate strategies to make the most of it.

On Father’s Day, many are thinking about creative ways to recognize and celebrate the important role of Dads.  Beyond neckties and new golf clubs, one of the greatest gifts a Dad can receive is the message to watch out for stress. Whether you are a father or a man who is interested in maintaining optimal health, here are some ideas that will help you watch for signs that stress may be creeping up and interfering with the quality of your life.

Stress is a typical and necessary part of all of our lives. For some, it can take a turn and become so unmanageable it gets in the way of happiness and productivity. According to the American Psychological Association, work-related, financial and relational stress are among the top three areas of concern for men. Over 57% Americans report being overwhelmed by stress.  With definite connections between stress and health, many men are at-risk for adverse physical and emotional symptoms if they not given proper attention. Men are much more likely to wait until stress begins to have a serious impact on their lives before making changes and or seeking professional assistance.

One of the best ways to manage stress is to learn what your own triggers are. Whether you are overloaded at work, your bills piling up or your relationships are not in good shape, stress will magnify the situations even further. If you begin recognizing the situations that unravel you the fastest, you can learn to catch yourself in the middle of the “high stress moments”, and draw upon some strategies to become more calm and rational. Many times, we can become stressed about being stressed, and can inadvertently increase the levels because we are not paying attention to our own personal spin on things.

When stress starts to compromise the quality of life, it is important to take immediate action. Some warning signs include: irritability, loss of interest in activities, fatigue, changes in appetite and feelings of despair, hopelessness or intense emotion.  Just as we are all different, every person has a different reaction to stress. Some become withdrawn and exhausted, while others get revved up and irritable.  If you notice some of these happening for you, it is wise to take immediate action either by making revisions in your lifestyle and or seeking professional intervention.

There are still wide misconceptions about psychiatric and counseling services. Many do not understand the value of medication for those struggling with inconsistent moods, high stress and nervousness.  New research indicates that these traits are genetic, and often run in families. For many, medication helps offset a chemical imbalance that affect moods and literally spills over into all aspects of living.

Men are often fearful that by entering into talk therapy they will be required to “open up” and discuss personal issues without resolution.  However, best practices therapy can assist in not only identifying history and causes of stress, but also develop strategies to help minimize the contributors and build skills to cope with whatever life situations you are facing. Therapy can be helpful to have an objective glance at what are dealing with, and some guidance to help you get back on track to health and happiness.

Many of the men I have counseled report to me being surprised at how different the experience was compared to how they first thought it would be. Therapy is an opportunity to take some time to brainstorm, set goals and revamp areas of life that need some fine tuning. Moreover, it is proven to be effective in lowering stress levels and increasing potential to not just survive, but thrive. During this season of honoring Fathers’ and men who make a difference, challenge yourself to find ways to reduce stress and encourage other men to do the same.

“You don’t have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.” -M.L. King Jr.

Yes, it is April 15^th and the clock it ticking with only a few minutes remaining before the inevitable tax deadline strikes. There are still droves of people lined up getting their postmark to avoid being penalized. They are paying a price for doing exactly what they swore last year they would never do again. Certainly, some may not mind the lines and late nights, but I imagine many are already vowing for reform and making promises for the future that may indeed be very hard to keep.

So, why do we procrastinate right up until the end? There are many factors in our lives that can contribute to putting things off until the last minute, even with the best of intentions. Even the most well organized person can fall into the trappings of letting things pile up-not by choice, but by being pulled in way too many directions.

Obviously the thought of completing a mundane or unpleasant task makes us want to hit the pause button and turn to more exciting and promising ventures. Which of these do you most relate to?

Out of sight, out of mind: You find yourself putting major projects aside until you can fully devote your attention to it, and instead it gets lost in the shuffle.

“I’ll get around to it”: You keep telling yourself you are going to carve out a chunk of time, but that time never arrives and when it does, you simply don’t feel like doing it.

Adrenaline junkie: You love an adventure, and thrive on self-created chaos, and even if you get tired of it, can’t seem to find a way out of always being in a whirlwind.

Overload mode: It is hard to know exactly where to begin and there are simply way too many steps involved to carry out the project so you have trouble even getting started.

Grand Central Station: Every time you set out to accomplish anything, you are interrupted, distracted or something more pressing comes up.

I am willing to bet that it is not just those who owe tax money who were shuffling around today. Even those getting refunds wait until the last whistle blows. As life becomes more demanding and our schedules more complex, it takes a lot to overcome the cycle of being frantic and not keeping up.

Being a procrastinator fuels stress. See which of these ideas work best for you:

Map it out: Use a large dry erase board to chart out short and long-term goals and projects. Color code them and put dates of completion in clear sight. Calendars, planners and lists work well too. Find a way to use visual means to see what you have to do in nearby view. If you do better by hearing things, say it out load, record yourself or set reminder alarms.

Don’t let it pile up: Avoid the temptation to put everything into piles. Most of it stays buried and you may miss important deadlines. Too much clutter can add fuel to the procrastination fire.

Avoid delay: If you can get something done right away do so-try and handle things only once or the least possible amounts of time. If you have to keep pulling something out, you waste time retracing your steps.

Divide and Conquer: Break things into smaller chunks and tackle step by step. It is often very difficult to start something, but once you do, you can take it more systematically, building momentum as you go.

Delegate: If there are things you are not good at or simply do not have time to accomplish, don’t be afraid to enlist the support of someone who has the resources to help you along. Stay in your own lane and avoid swerving all over the place trying to please everyone and be good at everything.

Whether you are a procrastinator, or just a super-busy person, try and work out a system that suits you best…and don’t wait for tomorrow to try! It’s never too late to stop being a procrastinator…